Antepartum….too much too soon….

I never thought too much of postpartum depression until I became pregnant with my first daughter and I was in the waiting room of my doctor’s office and they asked me one question….it took one question for me to just completely break:

“How are you really feeling?”

I broke down. I broke down and completely lost it while my husband sat in the chair next to me with worry in his eyes and just a huge weight on his shoulders. He wanted me to be OK but was not sure what was going on. I cried. I cried and stated I hated everything. I hated going to work, I hated waking up, I hated throwing up, I hated having to think about what to eat because I knew I would just throw it up a couple minutes/hours later. I even hated the sun! It was summertime and I was 8-12 weeks pregnant and I hated the sun. I waited so long to become pregnant this is what my future husband and I wanted (we were to get married in 3 months at the time) and now I was just miserable. I didn’t know what was going on but that one question opened a whole new chapter in my life. Antepartum depression happened. My doctor reassured me that what I was feeling was completely normal and that there were a lot of hormones and changes happening throughout my body and it is going to be OK.

Even though everything turned out to be OK I cannot stress enough on how embarrassed I felt because of this depression. I felt like I did something wrong when in reality it is something that is very common just not a lot of people talk about it. With the help of my amazing team of doctors and the support from my husband I was able to get the help I needed during my pregnancy.

One thing that was never told to me that I wish was beforehand was that if not treated correctly it the depression can come back ten fold in the future if you were to get pregnant again. Well welcome to my life and getting pregnant with baby #2. Before getting pregnant with my second daughter; I had stopped taking my medication after my first daughter turned one. I thought to myself I feel great and I must be alright to just ween myself off my medication. This is NOT RECOMMENDED and before you even think about this please consult your physician. I wish I did. I am the type of person that thinks that I know my body better than anyone else…well because it is MY body and I should know the best about it right?….WRONG. Postpartum depression hit me ten times harder with the conception of my second daughter.

I talk to a therapist and have been on medication that is safe to take while I was pregnant and post pregnancy. I will say it was extremely hard to convince me to do any of it because of course I was that person that didn’t want anything to affect my baby even if it cost me my sanity. I am so glad that I did what was recommended for me because I don’t know if I would be where I am at now without it. I will say if you are in a similar situation do not be afraid to talk about it. Reach out to your doctor’s and you support team (family/friends) they are your biggest advocates and want the best for you and will do anything they can to make sure of it. I am also here to say I HEAR YOU. I know how you feel and there are answers for you. It is only temporary and treatable.